Unless you’re some sort of superhuman who has no qualms about what others think of you, you probably act differently when you’re on your own compared to when you’re socializing or even hanging out with a close friend.
There are very few people who’ve experienced the uncensored, glorious you in full form. Your dog, however, definitely has.
Here are ten things your dog knows about you that few others are privileged to know.
1. They Know Your Absolute Worst Dance Moves And How You Sing Your Heart Out
We all don’t have fancy forests where we can go and dance through our problems like Kevin Bacon in Footloose. We have our kitchens and our bedrooms.
Your dog has definitely seen you belt out an 80s power ballad with matching dance moves. They may have joined in with their own little howl and dance, as well.
2. They Know How Many Selfies You Take Before You Get To The One You Actually Post
Rule number one of selfles: NEVER post the first one you take.
Fido has seen all of your outtakes and could probably give you a hint on your best angles. In fact, your pooch told me that you should look more into the light and tilt your chin up!
3. They Know What TV Shows You REALLY Watch
To your friends, you’re only watching the hippest new original series on Hulu or Netflix. Your dog knows that is a bold lie and you watched six hours of Keeping Up With The Kardashians last Friday night.
They also are probably familiar with your commentary and agree that Khloe is the best.
4. They Know About The Pep Talks You Give Yourself In The Mirror
You may have close human friends who’ve helped psych you up for a first date, prepare for a job interview, or sort out your life. Sometimes, though, we can’t share our deeper insecurities with fellow humans and have to give ourselves our own little pep talks.
Your dog has definitely seen said pep talks. They have notes–maybe try adding some of the aforementioned dancing into your pep routine before that big date.
5. They Know You’ve Cyber Stalked An Ex
Yes, yes, I know. You totally have never done this before. Not even for a second did you type your ex’s name into Instagram and then creep on the girl who’s been popping up in his pictures.
Luckily for you, your dog can’t spill your little obsession/secret. And hey, they may just be a little curious as to what that human who was a big part of their life is up to now, as well.
6. They Know Your Ugliest Cry
I’ve cried hard in front of other people, but there is no doubt that the “person” who has seen me at my most depleted and desolate is my dog. She’s seen me hyperventilating with snot running down my face and swollen eyes, like a creature from the Black Lagoon.
Fortunately, dogs are usually good for at least attempting to help cheer you up, even if it’s with a misguided effort at removing the snot from your face with their tongue.
7. They Know Where You Stick Your Boogers
Speaking of snot, we all pick our nose once in a while, no matter how “mature” we are. Your dog has seen you flick a treasure from your nostril into the abyss of the living room or watched you discreetly wipe away some boogers on the underbelly of the couch.
They’ve also seen a few less-than-pleasant hygiene habits of yours, such as giving your armpits one last final sniff before leaving the house or scratching your butt for a solid ninety seconds.
8. They Know That You’re Chatting, Posting, & Online Dating From Your Toilet
If you’ve experienced online dating, chances are good that your dog has seen you swipe right from the toilet. Even if you aren’t an online dater, however, your dog has almost certainly seen you on some sort of social media while you were perched on the potty.
This probably seems completely normal to your pup, who often opens up social engagements by sniffing other dogs butts. So you liking your aunt’s status while doing your business is the same thing, right?
9. They Know Your Laziest Moments
When you accidentally pop an ice cube out of the tray onto the floor, common sense dictates that you pick it up and throw it in the sink. Fluffy knows that when you’re alone, sometimes you secretly kick it under the fridge.
She also knows that sometimes you “kind of” wash your hands after using the restroom–meaning you turn the faucet on and off. And she’s seen you brush crumbs off the counter onto the floor and reuse still-wet bath towels that were crumpled up on your bedroom floor.
She doesn’t mind the crumbs bit, but that wet towel is starting to smell a little too gross for her to roll around in.
10. They Know What You Look Like In The Nude From All The Angles
Being alone and nude is one of the most luxurious experiences. Doing the most mundane things, like folding laundry or making tea, is made ten times better when you’re naked. Your dog doesn’t mind the nakedness, but they’ve seen everything.
Remember that time you decided to do a couple sun salutations in your room in the buff? Your pup does, and they honestly don’t get why you even bother with silly things like socks and underwear when other people are around.
Luckily for us humans, even if we were to roll around in peanut butter screaming at the television while “by ourselves,” our pups would still probably love us for it.
In fact, maybe your dog could use a distraction from all your antics. Try this puzzle toy to keep them busy and give them a reward for loving you unconditionally, even with all your secrets!
What’s the most bizarre or silly thing you do when you’re the only human in the house? Has your pup witnessed it? Let us know in the comments below!
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