The Rescue Dog Diet: How An Unknown Inbred Rescue Dog In Hollywood Eats Every Day

When juice bar owner Amanda Chantal Bacon revealed her food diary in a recent Elle magazine article the Internet exploded with parody. We decided to reach out to a rescue dog living not so far from Amanda to see how this incredible 9lb, 10-year-old wonder dog stays so trim and healthy in her forever home.

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When juggling long days of limitless nothingness, it’s not always easy to find time to hit the dog park or convince your humans to cook you a T-bone. For inspiration we’re asking a small 9lb rescue Chiweenie named Molly Zickel to share a typical day of noms and activity, to see how she balances a healthy lifestyle with her empty schedule.

Molly’s diet is certainly at the more exotic end of the spectrum, but it’s fascinating to hear how she supplements her dry senior dog food with an assortment of exotic found treasures. Here’s Molly’s complete routine from diet to snoozing in the sun and everything in between.

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UPON WAKING: I usually hear the bed creak around 6:30am. This means the large female human is considering getting up. That’s my cue to jump out of my dog bed and click my nails on the floor incessantly until she can no longer comfortably fall back asleep for fear that I will poop on her favorite rug.

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BREAKFAST: I start my day with a quarter cup of dry senior dog food in a small, green, ceramic dish. I make sure to scarf it down as fast as possible so I can get right to begging for more. If I’m fast enough I can finish mine in time to steal food from the other dog’s dishes.

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AFTER BREAKFAST: I lay in the master bathroom because there is a shaft of sunlight that hits those mats from about 8:15am till around 9am. I soak up as much sunlight as possible in that time frame for energy and vitamin D. 

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POST BREAKFAST SNACK: As the shaft of sun fades, I scrounge the perimeter of the bathroom floor snorting up any hair, dust/dirt, or  bits of toilet paper I can find. A lot of dog’s don’t realize how many delicious treats lie at the bottom of a toilet.

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MID MORNING: I consume a delicate broth consisting of dirty water from a puddle on the back patio created by the sprinklers at night. If I’m lucky (and I usually am) it’s got a few dead bugs in it, which are, as you know, an excellent source of protein and calcium.

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MID DAY: I usually do a lap around the back yard and find a snail or slug, they’re creamy, candy-like treats that are too slow to escape and known for their brain chemistry magic. I follow this by chewing on a random object in the back yard until I realize (once again) it’s not really food. Then I sniff around the planters to see if I can find part of a peanut shell left over from a barbecue last summer.

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AFTERNOON: When I’m really bored I sweep the perimeters of the house for spider web ribbons, mix those with fallen leaves from a fern and a few slender wisps of my own fur. This is such an easy, elegant, and light meal. I can whip this up while my humans talk on the phone and they don’t even notice.

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BEFORE SUNSET: In the early evening hours I always head over to the side yard for a good poop. It’s nice to prepare a poop the night before so it’s ready the next day if I need a decadent snack.

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EVENING: I like to spend my evenings hovering near or under the coffee table in the living room in case my humans drop any snack foods on the floor while they watch the entertainment box.

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BEFORE BED: At this point in the day I usually retire to the back bedroom. I like to curl up under a filthy old San Diego Chargers blanket so it’s dark, warm, and I can really drink in the savory aroma of my own farts. I love farts — and on some evenings, I don’t want to deny the indulgence.