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Muddy Paws Diary

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Entry 1

Oh, Diary, I'm exhausted. Spent the morning digging up those awful geraniums--what an eyesore! I clomped through every inch of loose dirt, just to make sure there was no petal left intact. My paws are completely brown--it's awesome! The female human of the house caught a glimpse of my great work out in the yard and came looking for me. Didn't want to leave my spot next to the fridge, but she's got her favorite toy--the Swiffer SweeperVac--with her. I know I'm not to bother her when she's playing with that thing (man, some humans are soooo possessive). Doesn't she realize that pushing that SweeperVac around makes everything look and smell fresh and clean? Great, now she's headed straight for my bed with it.

Entry 2

The humans had a party yesterday, and let me tell you, Diary: It was fantastic. One guy couldn't keep salsa on a chip to save his life! I kept finding splotches of the red stuff everywhere, and I know there's more I can't get to under the couch. And did I mention the sugar cookie crumbs? One lady didn't use a plate, so I followed her around until she knocked over the bowl of guacamole. My humans have some terrific friends. Uh oh, now they're squabbling over who gets to play with the Swiffer Wet Jet first. The female human wants to take it to the dining room, but the male human is pulling it toward the porch. I hate it when they fight.

Entry 3

Some dogs don't like storms, but Diary, I've never understood my rain-phobic canine brethren. Because with rain comes mud, and with mud comes fun. For example, on this afternoon's walk I got good and muddy. So as soon as the female human opened the door to the house, I raced up and down the stairs making mud prints everywhere. It's sort of a game where I see how many trips I have to make before each step is caked in mud. It's even better than overturning Fluffy's litter box. In fact, I have so much fun, the male human gets a little jealous and always goes to get his favorite toy - the Swiffer Wet Jet. And it's like he has to play with it right there where I'm playing. Every time! Then, when there isn't a trace of my precious mud left, he puts the toy away. These humans are so predictable.

Entry 5

I was perfectly happy to lick up the milk the baby knocked over, but the adult humans wouldn't have it. As soon as the stuff hit the floor, the male human was running for the Swiffer Sweeper and the female was telling the baby, "It's ok, sweetie. The Swiffer will get it all cleaned up." I'd like to challenge that thing to a contest. Bet I could clean up the milk just as fast. And plenty of other delicious spills too.

Entry 6

If I didn't know any better, I'd guess the humans love their Swiffer SweeperVac more than they love me. I meander into the kitchen after catching of whiff of granola - turns out it's scattered under the table in a million different directions. But get this: they don't even offer the cereal to the baby - their own flesh and blood! Instead, they rush to find their precious Swiffer - it gets first dibs on the entire feast! And of course the Swiffer's no fool. It downs the every last bit of granola like it hasn't eaten for weeks. (Which I know for a fact isn't true.)

Entry 7

I'm not playing around anymore. I've issued a challenge to the Swiffer WetJet. You and me, buddy. We'll go head to head on barbeque sauce, spilled the night before and left to harden in the cracks and crevices of the kitchen tiles. Whoever can lick (or whatever it is you do) the stuff up faster and more efficiently wins the grand prize: Dibs on clean-up whenever a food product or liquid is involved. Consolation prize: you can still lick up the hair I shed around the living room, though I'll never understand why you find it so delicious.

Entry 8

I can tell that the SweeperVac's been hanging out in my favorite places. The area around my bed is immaculate--not a hair to be found. Same for my post in front of the couch: spotless. I think the cat's been noticing a similar pattern. She seems confused and eyes her toy mouse suspiciously. And it's not that I mind the cleanliness--the SweeperVac does its duty and I do mine. I just wish it would tell me where it stashes all the treasures it picks up. I need a new hiding place for my bone.

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