Charlie Sheen and Whoopi Goldberg: from what planet are you broadcasting?

For anyone still under the impression that Charlie Sheen is a sweet guy who just happens to have an addiction problem, know this: His latest outburst included a tirade against his ex, Denise Richards. He called her a “dog thief” for trying to obtain custody of the Pug they shared.

As if a dog thief is somehow worse than a dog killer. The other dog Richards had left in Sheen’s possession died of starvation. Allegedly, Sheen simply didn’t feed her. Not exactly a quick, painless way to go.

When asked to comment on the dog’s death, Sheen’s publicist said, “Sorry, busy with the real world.”

Ah, yes. The real world. Where you live with two porn stars and feel tiger DNA coursing through your bloodstream. And torture innocent dogs. Thanks for reminding us that there’s a real world out there. I must be living in FantasyLand. Fewer than two porn stars around here, somehow making do on hamster DNA, and feeding my dogs on a regular basis.

And while I’m in the celeb-lambasting mood: Earlier this month on The View, Whoopi Goldberg told the audience it was important that she maintain the right to be able to buy puppies from a pet store: “You don’t know what you’re getting when you get a pookie-dingle-doodle from the pound.” Let’s see, how many ways is that statement ridiculous?

I’ll focus on just one: Even if it were true that you couldn’t get a fantastic adult dog from a shelter (yes, I know — a false premise to begin with), you can still adopt puppies. Puppies! No more “damaged” or “used” than the fresh stuff you get from puppy mills and pet stores!

Why do I come down so hard on celebrities, professional athletes, and politicians? Perhaps because when you’re the luckiest of the lucky, the richest of the rich, and your lack of compassion towards those who suffer at the hands of humans is so glaring and obnoxious, I get a little upset.

Forgive me. Or don’t.